no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
