i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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