bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
