I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
