i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
