I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I forget how to act sober
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
