omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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