She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
