your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
