Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
