Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
She's the barista slut.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
