i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
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