The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
