Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
