I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
he was CRYING into my vagina
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
