btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
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