people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
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