Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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