Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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