you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
