K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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