I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
