That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
