The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
