She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
