Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
