He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
