He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
