fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
