I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
