We won't sleep together?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Terrible idea I love it
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
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