end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
