you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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