I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
