Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
