Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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