I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
