Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
