i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
