i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
