Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Randomize
