Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize