it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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