Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
