She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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