This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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