my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
