Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
