John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
did you just send me my own nude
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
