Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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