her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
