NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
You made out with two different species that night
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
