So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
