new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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