I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
