Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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