apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Randomize
