I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
