I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
