my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
people are starting to question the shark bite story
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
