Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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