You just made me feel so damn special
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Someone came in the potted fern
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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